Distant. I don’t know how to bring back the spark anymore. There you go talking about that spark again! We put out the fire. Our interests to each other turned into ashes and ready to become the dust of yesterday. Maybe we did not have that spark in the first place. Maybe there was no spark. No fire to put out. No interest to hold on. No love to count on. This is the cruelty of pretentious love, worthless feelings that never been felt. Feelings that are mundane and absurd. Loneliness as the doom of terror. And pain that demands to be felt. The spontaneous heartache of one sided love. This is the worst. One sided love is equivalent to dying. It’s like writing your own death note. Selfishness as its best. Assurance as its risk. I’ll call this the end and will quote “Love will end as time will stop.”
I can hear the cacophonous beat of my heart.
I can feel the trembling shrill of my muscles.
The exuberant feeling of ecstasy.
This is love. This is the happiness of love. No synonyms nor antonyms attached… It’s just love.
You should have said “goodbye” not “see you later”, I’ve waited. No, I’m waiting. It’s been five days when we last uttered our sweet goodnights. I thought there will still be tomorrow for us, but I was wrong. It’s impossible. Believe it not, our fates are not meant for each other. We are two people destined to meet, but not destined to love. Life is unfair, I know, thus love. Can we change this fact? Maybe yes, if your love for each other is strong and compassionate, there will be no barrier that will separate the two of you. Look how love can change everything. Love can give you this feeling of anxiety, happiness, and ecstasy. The pleasure of intimacy and the pleasure of heartache. These elements encompass the nature of love. The chemistry of love and the physics of love. People are addicted to these stimuli. They will search every corner of the world just to find the ONE. The one that will love them for who they are regardless of the gender, race, color and nationality. Love will always see the positive side of the person. Love will see the true you.It has this magic and charisma. Like a poison that will intoxicate every part of your body. It will paralyze you. But it will also give you strength. That is love. The most important element in this world.
His voice is the only remedy I know to cure all my distress.
“Dad, can you promise me something? Can I celebrate my 18th birthday with 18 roses?”. I uttered to my loving Dad. “Okay, dear, whatever you want”, he said with a quivering voice. I can still hear the dripping of my intravenous line. I am turning 18 next week, but, I can’t feel any changes in my body. I’m a weak, bedridden girl. I don’t know why I’m stuck here. I hate this wide white room surrounding with people sticking medical equipments inside my body. My dad said I need those things so that I can feel better. I’m feeling better, I don’t feel anything actually. Ugh, every single day is like hell here. Honestly, the smell of the flowers my mom usually puts in the vase near the room window irritates me. And the room has this enormous bulb that hurts my eyes. Damn this room. Damn this life. Oh my dad, he hates it when I speak slang words. My body is like rotting. I feel like I’m not normal. I think they are hiding something from me. Am I sick? How can I celebrate my birthday in this condition. How can I wear a lovely dress in this impotent body?
“Daddddd!!! Mom!! My head!!!” I screamed at the top of my lungs. My mom rushed and call for the doctor. The doctor examined me. He looked at my parents with worried eyes. “What happened??” I said. A sudden silence filled the room. I feel weak. I feel different. I feel like dying. “My dear, you have brain cancer stage four”, the doctor said. I felt numb. Tears occupied my eyes. I don’t know what to feel. My breath. I can’t feel my breath. Tomorrow is my birthday, how can I wear a dress. I like my dress pink. Maybe I can wear that dress in my funeral. Thoughts. The thoughts filled my mind. I’m dying. I can’t breath anymore. My heart, it’s suppressing. “Mom, Dad , help me”. I saw my loving dad crying. My mom fainted. I saw them grieving. I saw them hurting. “Dad promise to to have my 18th birthday”. And after a few seconds my eyes closed. Closed forever. At the funeral there were 18 roses. The coffin was pink. They dropped the 18 roses six feet under ground with my coffin. My dad, he granted my request. 18 roses for mt 18th birthday.
He says I’m beautiful. That is the best compliment I received. He asked for my and number and we began dating. He told me “you’re beautiful”. Church bells are echoing in every corner. It was the best day of my life. Many years had passed and he already forgot about our anniversary. And I never heard him say beautiful. I ask him ” honey, are we okay?”. And he said “You were once beautiful.” And he left without saying goodbye.
I’m exhausted. I’m numb. I’m powerless. Imagine a life without color, isn’t intoxicating? That’s my life. A life without color, a life without love. But why do we need love? What about love? What is this element that people are addicted to? Is this some kind of morphine? I guess it is. Love is an obsession. It is the ecstasy of every living individual. But why am I so numb? I can’t barely feel love. I don’t know how to love. The sad truth is I never felt it. They said I’m incapable of loving. Who are they to judge? Do they know me? Do they know about my past? I was once hurt because of this thing you call love. I was cheated, betrayed and left. Now tell me how to feel again. Teach me how to love again. Yes, I was trapped in my own sadness. He imprisoned me with his own selfishness. He said till death to us part. Then one day he just left. I was tortured of despair and longings. I tried to kill myself to let go of every memory of him. Now tell me how to start again. Teach me the colors of life. Teach me how to love again. I’m numb, but I am capable of love.
We met in a certain circumstances, I did not expect. You were lost and I was waiting for a train. I noticed your blue eyes, and they seem worried. I sat down on one of the chairs while waiting for the train to arrive. Then suddenly, you came and approached me. You told me you were lost and was left by your group. I can still remember you holding this huge map. You were asking for directions, asking for the right path. Then I felt an unexplainable churn in my stomach. I felt my heartbeat exalted. I was looking straight in your eyes and I saw my own reflection, she was smiling with joy. Maybe I saw the one. The one I’ve been waiting all my life. It was the first time I felt the electric current. The tingling sensation from my extremities. Maybe this is what they called LOVE. Love at first sight. My subconscious woke up and alerted me saying “He’s the ONE.” I helped him with his problem. He said “Thank you Miss, I was lost and you found me.” I blushed. All the blood in my system went on my face. After a minute, I heard the cacophonous sound of the train. Damn it! The train is here. “I need to go.” I uttered to this beautiful stranger. As I entered the train, I saw him staring at me. His eyes glisten. But they are full of longing. Tears rolled my eyes. I did not expect that. The train door closes and it went on. I was crushed. Broken. Fallen. Who are you?? What’s your name? Maybe fate is dissonant with us. The shrill on my heart continued as the train is moving. I guess I was the one lost now. Where are you? Who are you? Find me I’m lost..
The sun is trapped with dark clouds
Sunlight is no where to be found
The roads are wet,the trees are timid
The sky is gray and rain is approaching
And sadness is infecting every living organism.
The little ones are gloomy,
No hide and seek for today.
How I wish I can see them play.